Sta.sh
"Who Are You?"
Not everything in our lives
Will be handed to us on plates
I can tell you once we're alive
We have such undecided fates
There are those who like to strive
And always question themselves
Like the bees that buzz in hives
Honey doesn't make itself
Some of us are leaders
We grab bulls by their ropes
If you fall into this category
You will never lose your hope
But some hide and cower
Running from their fears
This prolongs the inevitable
When they break down after years
Others are just so lazy
They don't even want to try
They reside in rooms so hazy
They stare with bloodshot eyes
There are those who keep on trying
Even though they never win
After some time spent crying
They get back out there again
Some will always have
Their heads up in the clouds
Whether that makes them glad
Their conscious fails them now
Others desire to get away
Through the shiny edge of a knife
They just can't face another day
They'd rather endanger their lives
There are those who force their hands
By taking the wheel and steer
They've crashed before they began
In the looming puddles near
There are the meek; the humble
The boisterous and proud
Those who always stumble
Those who are always loud
There are the quiet; the shameful
Those like porcelain glass
Those with taste so disdainful
In reality they'd never last
And then there are always those
Who blindly remain open
Taking how life goes
Emotionally they are broken
But they are the ones who realize
How destructive we can be
They see beyond such cryptic eyes
They see what most can't see
And they remain the strongest ones
Battling through everything
To them the shots of a gun
Is nothing to what they've seen
They exhibit such empathy
Understanding how others feel
They put others before them endlessly
While their own problems are concealed
So next time you complain
About how life is just so tough
Rather than point the blame
Realize we all have it rough
| Deviant Login | Shop | Join deviantART for FREE  |
Take the Tour  |
THE SECOND LAST PARAGRAPH. That paragraph has so much heart. It digs at the soul. I FELT it. That is the HEART of your poem. And it is golden. However. However, however, however-
When you get to the shots of a gun part... It's fumbling. It's too much, too far. Too overstated. Keep this short and sweet and simple.
You have something brilliant here. Now polish off the excess and really make it shine
Vision:
This is a lovely poem depicting the various shades of human nature, from leaders to followers, the meek to the boisterous, the lazy to the hardworking. As always, your poem is perfectly clear in projecting its theme, what with your simple vocabulary and concrete images.
Originality:
I'll give you three and a half for originality, as this is a well-tried concept. Normally, had anyone else written on this subject, I would've given two. However, I'm choosing to give you a higher rating because of the images that you have used to describe the various types of people. For example, these lines are very clever:
Like the bees that buzz in hives/Honey doesn't make itself.
Technique:
I like your structure here, the varying lengths of the stanzas. However, I do think you could use more punctuation in the lines, just to make it flow better and to make it easier to read for the readers.
Impact:
This is something I would share with fellow lit-loving friends, and that last verses is the kind that I would want to write down to remember in times of need.
Other Comments:
Overall, a lovely, lovely poem. One of my favorites amongst your works.
The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork
Please sign up or login to post a critique.