deviant art

Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

More from =BleedTheDream180


×
"Shove Me"

A little bird often sings outside my window
Lonely as sin he made a nest above the snow
With his delicate singing I smile as wide as I can
Still it doesn't help me forget the terrible person I am
Songs so soft and pleasant to the ear
Songs that would wash away anyone's fears
Songs as beautiful as the evening rain
Songs that have hidden messages of peace contained
Yet vultures and crows feast on birds of his kind
Perhaps its fate our lives have intertwined
Because just when everything to this bird starts making sense
The eagles come and sweep away his self confidence
Yet a bird so strong still needs to learn to fly
For its either escape or submit to the predators and die
So with one swift movement I lift up the latch  
And turn the bolt where the window was attached
I open the window and eyeing the nest
I smash the twigs and the bird starts heading west
Then to the twigs I begin to set fire
Because there must be something out there this bird desires
And it would have been terrible to trap this bird in my home
Because the potential of this bird we would never have known
Like this bird I too would like to hover abroad
And escape a reality that apparently is so flawed
For if this bird could live in my head for one day
He would see himself and want to fly away
But the places I want to go are the ones I fear the most
And these locations can't be found in the lands nor coasts
But fears are what prevent us from doing the things we love
And unlike this little bird I have no one to give me a shove

1,781

104 21 12
Download TXT download, 1.7 KB
Another poem I wrote. No more bold, double spaced formatting because I got a new computer

Details

Stats

Submitted on
September 22, 2012
File Size
1.7 KB
Views
1,781
Favourites
104 (who?)
Comments
21
Downloads
12
URL
Thumb
Only verified accounts can report policy violations. Please check your email and click on the verification link.
* Required field
Add a Comment:
 
:iconthewitchofgrich:
Analysing the whole poem would be practically impossible to do in a short critique as this and therefore, I'll point out only the most important qualities of it which caught my attention.

This poem is meaningful and beautiful. Original... definitely - it breathes the air of originality. The uniqueness is the component which strongly radiates from it. The lack of strophes, the lack of punctuation, the abundance of metaphors.... all of these make it stand out. There is no need to change anything to make it fit the usual standards. It's perfect the way it is.

Punctuation isn't really necessary. It is the author's choice. After all, it would change the meaning of the poem if the punctuation were added. The thoughts would then be separated, somehow they'd end only to continue and like this, they are in a continuous wave, they complement each other, they are unending, from the very beginning to the end and even then, there is a feeling the circle would be continued.

''A little bird often sings outside my window....'' is the beginning which marks the continuity of what is usually happening and probably would keep being so.

The choice of words is excellent and the meaning... this poem is definitely ''charged'' with it.

''Yet vultures and crows feast on birds of this kind'' is a line which represents the reality so accurately. Yes, we can definitely relate to this and it is exactly the thing which makes this poem stronger and us more attached to it.

This poem is simply one of the most valuable gems of poetry. I love it.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:icondoritos1996:
This piece is truly wonderful. The way you've used the bird as a symbol that, in fact, reflects your own feelings made it all the more interesting. The first thing that came to my mind while reading this, is how many people can actually relate to this; feeling trapped. I also like the way you tried to make it rhyme. Every line flows very nicely and naturally, without making the rhyming seem forced. Much as I like the first half, I have to admit that the last half of this poem was my favorite. (So with one swift movement...)

What I'd like to point out is the huge impact of those lines:

-And esape a reality that apparently is so flawed

-But the places I want to go are the ones I fear the most

--And unlike this little bird I have no one to give me a shove

Personally, I can relate to those lines and the were the ones that really stunned me. Beautifully written and amazingly connected with the rest of the poem.

There's only one thing I'd change in this poem and that's the punctuation. Even though it doesn't play a role in the meaning of the poem, punctuation makes a piece neater; makes readers understand that the writer is thorough. Of course, that's just my opinion and it doesn't really have an impact to the poem.

On the whole, this piece is truly beautiful and reflects many people's feelings. Great job!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

love 2 2 joy 2 2 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 1 1 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:icon6-9changeling:
~6-9Changeling Oct 30, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You aren't terrible! :iconloveyouplz: best brother everr! but I love the poem!
Reply
:iconthewitchofgrich:
so beautiful and meaningful :D
Reply
:iconanyar24:
Mood: Love ~AnyaR24 Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very well done
Reply
:iconpl-fan111:
~PL-Fan111 Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
O.o... Awesome.
Reply
:iconlordofphoenixdawn:
I can so relate with this poem. Very well written and I love the rhyme. Reality can really suck at times, even when things are going good.:tighthug:
Reply
:iconakky3210:
~akky3210 Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:wow: Generally, rhymed free verse like this drives me nuts, but you pulled it off really well. The rhyming doesn't seem forced or contrived, which is lovely. The rhythm doesn't always flow, but most of the time it seems natural. I love the message here; you pull it off really well. :D
Reply
:iconsublimityone:
Mood: Sadness ~Sublimityone Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful! :'(

Reply
Flagged as Spam
:iconbeautifuladmiration:
Mood: Joy ~BeautifulAdmiration Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, that was amazing!!!! :D
Reply
:iconmiyu713:
=miyu713 Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
brilliant! :)
Reply
Add a Comment: