Sta.sh
"Orion's Gift"
Its so surreal to feel the stars at night
And know those you care about are looking at that same sky
Wondering if they are thinking about you
The same way you think about them too
Reliving memories as they occur in your mind
While moving forward through the passage of time
Its tough to muster the idea of never speaking to them again
And the bonds that were formed have ended up in vein
And yet we wonder if they are still alive
And if old relationships can ever be revived
The ghosts of people every night I mourn for
Like those families who lost their sons in brutal wars
They still exist out there somewhere in the present
Augmented in our minds to tease and to torment
And we know if one more time we can again speak
To those we left behind like porcelain antiques
We could delay our suffering for at least another week
But our meek minds are quiet like the water in a creek
And so the silence continues to build
Through the night drilling us with chills
And like the prosperity that once filled a guild
Every empire must crumble and be killed
And yet we allow let our minds to continue to drift
Sifting and shifting through the memories and their gifts
Lifting our spirits so swiftly into contentment
That we lose a grapple for any left resentment
There is no remedy to cure any memory
And at night they endlessly build into such severity
The stars don't care for they continue to shine
Confined to a broadened horizon's skyline
Defined through struggle these stars are assigned
To provide encouragement by the way they align
Intertwined within each other we see faces in lines
And through our memories we decide which faces to define
And looking into the night sky we know everything is fine
Solong as the ones we adore are looking back in our minds
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Lets start out with the largest thing that will bother your audience- your grammar. With certain poems, spacing doesn't need to be used, however in this poem you do need to seperate your stanzas with an extra line. There is also the problem of "fatty" words. Words like "so," and "and." For example, in lines 8, 9, 15, 23, 30, and the second and third to last lines could have "and" taken out. There was only one line I didn't mention that was acceptable to have "and" start the line with. Also, there is the use of "so". For example, in line you you don't need "so surreal" when you already have an adjective- surreal. One more thing I picked up on that hasn't already been mentioned (in my critique and the previous comments/critiques) is in line seven you need an apostrophe due to the fact that it is a contraction.
Besides the major issues here your poem was full of fantastic vision. It flowed rather smoothly, and painted a vivid picture. I especially loved the use of alliteration, "sifting and shifting..spirits so swiftly." And I especially liked the deeper meaning behind your water in the creek visual as our mind. This signifies the tendency for our thoughts to slip on by without notice. However, it also shows that the human mind is usually dependable and always constant.
The vision in magnificent, and the story is definetly something all people can connect to. Just work on your grammarics and technique, then you will have the near perfect poem
Thanks again! Hoped this helped!
Keep on writting
May the odds be ever in your favor.
-LuvThemHugnerGames
Ok! I think your poem us very, but very nice. It is very original and it is very well enphathisised. But, with the poems I have read of you I think you can improove order. No critizising only helping you with that little weakness in the poem. The poem is great, if you want it perfect I would suggest you to make verses. Here the example (This is a part your poem):
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Its so surreal to feel the stars at night,
And know those you care about are looking at that same sky,
Wondering if they are thinking about you.
The same way you think about them too,
Reliving memories as they occur in your mind,
While moving forward through the passage of time,
Its tough to muster the idea of never speaking to them again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Well I mean, here you can use help from commas and periods. All the poem is very well viewed, I would think you are very inspired.
Well that was all.
Keep writing poetry, I love it!
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