Sta.sh
"Lucky Penny"
One time when I was walking to the corner store
I found a penny in a puddle laying on the floor
Old Abe was looking especially lonely so
I picked him up and continued on the go
At that moment it never occurred to me
That what I was holding was a lucky penny!
And the reason to which how I know
Was that moment when I hit the elusive lotto
My jaw dropped; I was at a loss for words
To think a penny could bring luck was absurd
But i kid you not; when I walked out of that store
The skies were blue; the power restored
See, this town had been without electricity for weeks
And I too had gone on such a hunger streak
Crossing streets; seeking places for shelter
My bills were overdue; I slept in a cellar
But now I payed them off; everywhere I go
I take the check or handle tabs as they grow
People say hello; they smile towards me
All because I am holding this lucky penny
See, I lack confidence; I needed a boost
Even if I'm only running from the truth
That black cat that went around my route
Would have normally crossed my well-taliored suit
At every carnival, I always win prizes
For the people I'm with; teddy bears of all sizes
And every time I do; I look at my necklace and bless
Good Old Abe for curing my mess
But then one day when I was walking home
I saw a little boy in an alley way crying alone
He was abandoned and starving; this I do know
So upon this boy the penny I bestowed
It was the hardest action I could ever do
But my eyes grew huge when I saw he had no shoes
I realized it wasn't fair to hog all the luck
And at that very moment an idea had me struck
Maybe it wasn't the penny that brought me fortune
But my own good will and generosity in portions
Silly to think an object can decide my destiny
Especially a tiny one with very little density
I realized this as I was walking out of the alley way
Thinking that maybe this time things were going to change
But a few minutes later I felt such a jolt
I had been struck by a massive lightning bolt
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I really loved this. It was just, amazing in every way.
Vision was good because although you already used something we all do, you made it your own and you put a beautiful picture in my head of the person in the beginning and the boy at the end. I was there with the person and that is very hard to do.
Originality.
I loved how you used this weird thing that we humans do but you used it to the best effect and you used it in a brand way which gave it that little touch that we (as the reader) can relate with.
Technique.
This was done almost flawlessly and I loved the rhyming you used in every line. Unfortunately, some of the lines you wrote change the flow of the poem which disrupted it but that was soon forgotten about after you had read the next line after.
Impact.
This was done very well because it did stay in mind and I did think that this could happen - I know look out for any pennies with great enthusiasm now!
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS POEM AND IT IS A DEFINITE FAVOURITE FOR ME. YOU ARE DEFINITELY ONE DEVIANT THAT I SHALL BE WATCHING VERY CLOSELY SO KEEP IT UP! <3
It was a really neat narrative poem to read and I loved the build up. Throughout the entire piece, up until the last stanza, I thought the penny was just that, a penny. The man in the poem even had this epiphany that everything that happened to him was just luck.Then I got to the last stanza; it almost made this insignificant penny some out-of-this-world object.
The rhythm was pretty good throughout; however there were a few places it did blunder a bit, but not so much that it completely distracts from the poem.
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