Sta.sh
"Love Is Blind"
He was a world renown artist
He could play the violin
He could tell you any song
Before it would begin
He could speak many languages
So fluent off his tongue
He always kept his house clean
Before spring had even sprung
He traveled many countries
An intellectual he was
He would tinker with his watches
For reasons just because
He was a classy gentleman
So spiritual and divine
The only dilemma here
Was that he was blind
He had never seen the colors
Or the faces passing by
But you would never know this
Because he'd look you in the eye
And smile as wide as he could
A happy man he was
Still he hurt inside
For he had never been in love
He had never seen the lights
Above the moonlit city
But he often pondered aloud
Of who and what were pretty
He longed to cuddle during
A calming, evening rain
But could never even see
His own window panes
But one day this kind man
Was in a coffee house
Reading in a corner
And quiet as a mouse
He loved to read philosophy
And learn from the past
He once wrote a novel
For he detested math
But in this coffee shop
That is when he heard
This adorable sounding pitch
That sounded like a bird
A Golden Pheasant to be precise
Those kinds that warm the heart
The way they float on daffodils
Like a beautiful work of art
This made him drop his book
And his heart lose its limbs
As he quickly realized
She was sitting next to him
His mind ran in circles
Of thinking what to say
The more he heard her voice
The more his heart did sway
It sounded like a symphony
With many different keys
Of which ranged in pitches
But worked perfectly
It killed him not to see
The owner of that tone
So he soon formed pictures
Of this beautiful unknown
Could she be a blonde?
A red head? A brunette?
Could she have a smile
Of which he won't forget?
And just when he gathered nerves
And was finally in his groove
He realized something awful
He couldn't make his move
This girl that sat next to him
Who gave him feelings never felt
Had just said "I love you,"
To the delight of someone else
He heard a man's voice
Much to his dismay
And her constant giggling
Soon drifted away
He wanted to hear this voice
Forever and beyond
But just as quick as she came
She had come and gone
And so he continued reading
With his nose in his book
For that was so misleading
But at least he had a look
And this humbled man
Born blind but never pouts
Received a taste of love
From the voice of someone's mouth
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I must start out with saying how tragically romantic this was. It honestly choked me up, well done!
I was reading through some of your comments and noted that one indivigual thought that you connected the reader to the blind man at a fast rate- which is a difficult task to accomplish. I fully agree with this person, and commend you for that. I also noted that another indivigual thought that this poem was long. That I would have to disagree on and tell you that your poem was just about right! Not too long but not short and choppy.
Your transition between idea to idea was impressively smooth, even for a poem that isn't seperated into stanzas. I have in fact comet o the conclusion that in some poems, not seperating the phrases up adds a note of fluency itself. Although others debate that it makes it hard to focus on, and makes the poem drag on. In this case, you did your piece a favor.
The vision is wonderous
You did an excellent job painting the character. It can be rather cumbersome to have a sketch of the character's qualities when you rather write on the story. However, you tied the two nicely together. I especially like the comment about him detesting math! Bloody brilliant man I say
You drew in your reader's in the beginning by describing the perfect man, then twisting the view to show that he was blind. Then you once again added a twist when his love ended up talking to a man she was already with. Thus, this poem has taught me something! You see, it has taught me that another way to connect with the reader besides finding something they can connect with, is to find sympathy and/or empathy that clenches onto their heart strings and refuses to let go. Genious! Thank you for the enlightenment.
I very througouly enjoyed your poetry once again
Thanks again! Keep on writting
May the odds be ever in your favor.
-LuvThemHungerGames
The blind man in this poem takes a place in the reader's heart almost immediately, which is difficult to do in poetry. He is someone that I would love to meet, someone that readers will remember. Even when you use more abstract images throughout the poem, the man is still someone I can imagine - especially when you say he detests mathematics.
Originality:
All of your poems are just so unique, and you have not disappointed with this. As I mentioned in a previous critique of one of your poems, I love reading poetry that makes me think, "Why didn't I think of that?" The idea of him falling in love with the woman's voice is beautiful.
Technique:
Again, all of your poems that I've read are one big stanza. Sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. In this, I feel it would flow better if you broke up the stanzas. I lost my place in the middle.
Impact:
You ended the poem so well. The last four lines are ones to remember.
Other Notes:
I'm going to cut the formal language for a moment to say that I absolutely adored this poem.
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