At first I was expecting a long grusome story taking place at a Halloween Party, so I was quite surprised when I seen it was a poem story, which made this quite unique and set it apart from other written works in the group. I really enjoyed your use of imagery and such, it really helped me to imagine the whole situation. While canabilism may not be the most orginal idea, the way you wrote it defenitly made it different and that is always a good aspect of any writer one who can manage to make a story(or poetry in your case) unique. I kind of guessed that she would get eaten at the part when she was asking about the food, but when I actucally read all what happened to her, it turned out to be more gruesome than I had anticipated. I understand that to some people I may seem quite morbid, especially with what my next statement will say, but I found it quite amusing when thinking about the way they were impaling her back. I really liked how you used a simile there, it helped to give the reader a better understanding of what had happened there at the party. I think a little bit more detail, epescially gruesome detail would have helped to give a better vison of the torment that was given to this girl and maybe describing the way she looked, or even a little more detail about how innocent she was could have also helped to bring a bit of a stronger impact on the reader, I know when I read stories or watch movies with charcters that I seem to get to know quite well, it always impacts me when something bad happens to them. With this girl, I didn't really feel too much emotion when she was being killed. Except for what I felt lacked just a bit of detail, I really, truely enjoyed this peice. I also loved how at the end of it, you added a little bit of second person into the finished work and made it seem like if the reader(to whom I assume the narrator was talking.) would endure the same methods of torture as the young victim had been though. Very twisted and gruesome, I quite liked it!
It's a very effective piece of work. The idea of cannibalism and the ruining of an innocent, naive girl is beautiful, and I applaud you immensely for writing this so wonderfully. There are many modern-day writers who take the archetypal idea of corrupting an innocent, naive, and young girl but they often create terrible books or short stories about them (like many teen pop novels, which feature exactly the archetypal idea of destroying an innocent girl). The cannibalism was frightening, indeed. I haven't read many authors or writers using cannibalism in their themes for their prose.
The structure was also well composed. I love the use of rhymes, as it makes it catchy and hard to not to listen. There are two lines per verse, which I found seductive. It goes away from the traditional four-line verse for poems, so that deserves another brilliant encore.
The main character narrating this is certainly scary. From what I was thinking was I was reading, the main character narrating this macabre rite is a tall, dark and handsome man (otherwise, how would he lure the innocent girl)? Of course, I could be wrong. The main character narrating this could be a woman who has seductive features as well (my apologies if the lesbianism offends you in any way). However, if the main character is indeed a tall, dark and handsome man, I say, "Congratulations!" because you certainly went against the stereotype that tall, dark and handsome men are really searching for love and loyalty in pop culture. (Of course, in reality, that isn't true. Everyone is a human, no matter what they look like, so no one can judge on looks.) I really believe that it's the most important factor of an artist. Artists never follow the stereotypes, they are never sheep. Artists are people who truly have a unique vision, a unique perspective, something that will never be found within a flock of sheep who can't think for themselves.
The grammar, though, I have to be most critical of. For example, "its" is completely different from "it's" (notice the apostrophe). You wrote in your fourth to last two-line verse, "Its really a blast; will you come if I plea / Who doesn't enjoy a good Halloween party?" It should be "It's" with the apostrophe for the first word. The word "its" is a possessive pronoun. You use it to portray ownership. Example, "The cat has its own litter box." You do not write, "The cat has it's (it is) own litter box." Same thing for "Its really a blast" since it should be "It is really a blast." That's my only complaint, so if you could dust up all of the "Its" and make sure they're used properly, it would be much better.
Again, you deserve a standing ovation for your writing and vision! I find it hauntingly beautiful, something that I don't see very often in our world today anymore.
It's perfect. It's so perfect. I've never seen anything so dark or morbid (besides what is in my mind). I love it. It kept me on the edge with each word. ^^
The structure was also well composed. I love the use of rhymes, as it makes it catchy and hard to not to listen. There are two lines per verse, which I found seductive. It goes away from the traditional four-line verse for poems, so that deserves another brilliant encore.
The main character narrating this is certainly scary. From what I was thinking was I was reading, the main character narrating this macabre rite is a tall, dark and handsome man (otherwise, how would he lure the innocent girl)? Of course, I could be wrong. The main character narrating this could be a woman who has seductive features as well (my apologies if the lesbianism offends you in any way). However, if the main character is indeed a tall, dark and handsome man, I say, "Congratulations!" because you certainly went against the stereotype that tall, dark and handsome men are really searching for love and loyalty in pop culture. (Of course, in reality, that isn't true. Everyone is a human, no matter what they look like, so no one can judge on looks.) I really believe that it's the most important factor of an artist. Artists never follow the stereotypes, they are never sheep. Artists are people who truly have a unique vision, a unique perspective, something that will never be found within a flock of sheep who can't think for themselves.
The grammar, though, I have to be most critical of. For example, "its" is completely different from "it's" (notice the apostrophe). You wrote in your fourth to last two-line verse, "Its really a blast; will you come if I plea / Who doesn't enjoy a good Halloween party?" It should be "It's" with the apostrophe for the first word. The word "its" is a possessive pronoun. You use it to portray ownership. Example, "The cat has its own litter box." You do not write, "The cat has it's (it is) own litter box." Same thing for "Its really a blast" since it should be "It is really a blast." That's my only complaint, so if you could dust up all of the "Its" and make sure they're used properly, it would be much better.
Again, you deserve a standing ovation for your writing and vision! I find it hauntingly beautiful, something that I don't see very often in our world today anymore.
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